Final Anxiety

Today was my last final of the spring semeseter at Somerset Community College. Actually, to be honest, I skipped out of my History final today. I have trouble understanding my mindset sometimes and the way in which I base my decisions. Waking up a at about ten minutes after 7Am I had under half an hour to make it to class for the History final, (which covered from the Kennedy Assasination up to the Watergate Scandel and Nixon's resignation). Easy stuff, I know. Especially for a History major, such as myself. Its just that my anxiety has been returning lately and I don't understand why. I have never been clinically treated for depression or anxiety, but its obvious, to me, that they are present aspects of my personality.

I have not been hit by either anxiety, nor depression, since before I returned home last from school, Splading University in Louisville, KY. Being so far from home and almost completely alone (I had my roomate and his girlfriend, whom I graduated with) was hard for me at the time. One incident, probably the incident that was the catalyst to transfer back home, hasn't been very easy to forget.

It was cold when I awoke that morning. On the Ohio River winter morning's are extremely bitter and nonforgiving. Especially for myself. For I didn't own a coat that would sufficiently protect me from the cold. My roomate, a Bilology major, had already taken off for the morning and I was alone. The sound of my dorm mates, who, even after a full semester of living with, I didn't even know, could be heard passing by my door. "God, I can't deal with them today, I thought."
I continued to lay in bed looking out my second floor window at the early morning Louisville skyline. There was something, and still is, very homey about the Louisville skyline to me. Never, not once, did I feel like a stranger in foreign city when my eyes drifter over the small, scattered view of the buildings. Strangely they made me feel comfortable, and peaceful, even through my daily anxiety about leaving the shelter of my small, college dorm room. Even upon returning to Louisville after a weekend home, in Somerset, with my family and friends, when I saw the first glimpses of the skyline a feeling of hope would rise up in me. I felt as though I had another chance to do it all right, again. The feeling of hope still overwhelms me when I visit my ex-roomate or even if I see a photo in the paper of Louisville.
Continuing to lay in bed staring out the window, I didn't even notice that time proceeded without me. Minutes turned to hours. Before I knew it , the classes I had that day were over. Fighting my anxiety and the tempting thought of lying in bed all day, I decided to take a trip to McDonalds. I pulled the warmest outfit I had at the time from my closet and left for McDonalds in small, black Neon.
Not really knowing why I thought of all the accidents I seen in downtown Louisville over the previous months. "You'll eventually be one of them, ya know" I told myself as I entered my routine shortcut through an allyway. "As long as it isn't today" I replied, "any day but today, please." Coming to the stop sign and the one-way street that seperated my ally to the one I wanted to get to, I found a car blocking my view. In an instant, a wave of anxiety overtook me. "F**k it" I said giving my Neon gas and sticking it in second gear(it was a standard). I saw the cadillac coming the second I pulled out but didn't attempt to stop. I still don't fully understand why I didn't stop. Maybe I thought I could make it across. Maybe I really just did not care either way. The details of the wreck are not important, only to say; no one was hurt; my Neon was totaled; I left the university the next weekend and never looked back...

I'm not exactly sure why I decided to share that story. My true intention was to comment on my finals and the spring semeseter I just completed. I guess it was just an experience I wanted to put into words for my own benefits. Whoever reads it will surely see it as nothing but a long, uninteresting rant. Honestly though, the experience as a whole(the wreck, school, Louisville) wasn't bad. I learned what it was like to fail. Failure was something I had never experiences before. Mainly because I never tried to succed. That has changed now. With the exception of today, my effort into my college studies are going great. I expect to pass each of my classes with no lower than an 85 average. So... congrats to me....